Categories
Open Thread

Explanation of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed..

On the third day, G od created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Categories
Humor

WalMart Wine

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can’t Believe it’s not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don’t bother writing back that this is a hoax.

I know possum is not a white meat.

NOTE:  This is not my joke.  I received this in an email and couldn’t stop laughing.  We could all use a good laugh.  It’s good for your health.

Categories
Humor

The Story of Adam and Eve’s Pets

Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love m e even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’

And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, s o they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . .

And Dog was happy. . . . .

And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other….

Categories
Open Thread

John McCain is a G.D. Sexist pig.

Why isn’t this on MSM? As reported on politico.com and on the Ed Schultz show (Norman Goldman filling in). My friends John McCain thinks rape is funny. How’s that for some friggin straight talk? Here’s the joke as told in 1986 during his Senate campaign:

“Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?'”

Wow John. You’re an A**hole!

Being the spouse of a rape victim I can tell you, RAPE IS NOT FUNNY. As far as I know ANY rape victim doesn’t like it and want more. So good job John, how about some jokes about Jews? Blacks? Gays? Seems like you’ve got a ton of these jems. How about the one about “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”??

Think about who John McCain is folks.

 

On Politico.com: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0708/11823.html